I haven’t been on any dating sites for a while now. I used to be, and to be honest all that has resulted is a collection of confusing experiences, and opportunities for me to be a whore. l knew that I needed to cleanse myself of that and so I decided to take a break. I now rely on real life to introduce me to people. People… not just single guys, but people who are in the world living and doing as I do.
Recently the universe has presented some opportunities, but unfortunately many seem to be via the bar scene. I go out occasionally and drink, but I also am working to moderate that behavior so that it works for me, not against me. Consequently, it is becoming harder to identify with people who live that drinking life.
One man I met recently, lets call him Juan, was clearly caught up in that drinking life. After about an hour of conversation I learned the following facts:
- He took a Xanax before coming out.
- His drink of the night was a side car on the rocks with no sugar. (he had 5 in front of me)
- He has no job.
- He’s living off some sort of trust fund that’s NOT going to last through his life. (perhaps an inheritance that he seems to be irresponsibly blowing through)
Let’s break this down:
- I’ve never done Xanax and drank because I’m pretty sure that I learned in high school health class that doing so fucks you up like blackout status. So, no thank you.
- Sidecars are delicious, 5 would probably kill me.
- You should have a job even if you have a real trust fund.
- Trust funds last for a life time and are still not a justification for not working. (I know because I know people who have them. Managing one’s trust fund is a full time job so that should make Juan… a financial analyst, right?)
What’s the moral of the story?
Today, my motivational moment is about the evidence of change and how it is important to give ourselves a pat on the back when we notice that we are demonstrating the change we intend to make in our lives.
This is my pat on the back.
I was at the same bar drinking along side Juan, but when I learned these things about him it became clear to me that he was not the type of person I wanted to surround myself with. In the past I may have accepted his advances, but not now. I was not going to ride that wave. I was having my own party that night, and I intended to be the one to direct it where to go.
To anyone reading this…. it may not feel like a profound story because you aren’t me and because you haven’t lived my life. But trust me when I tell you that this ability to recognize good and bad character whilst in the moment of elevation from drinking is a profound and valuable skill. Deciding not to engage with people who tell you things that you don’t like… making that personal choice to put yourself first… that is a wonderful strength that I hope we all can possess.
For me, a person who was raised by an abusive and neglectful father… a person who as molested by their therapist…. a person who always sought approval from others… it feels dam good to be in charge of my life in this way. It fills me with gratitude and pride that I asked the information seeking questions I did, and that I used the information to make a decision about what I wanted. Good for me and what nice manifestation of my change process.
I may have thought a little bit about Juan and his feelings. In the end however I put myself first. As I often tell a dear friend of mine, you gotta act smart to be smart.
I’ll definitely skip the Xanax, but I will forever fight for the justice I deserve! So should you :).